Enough about him


So there’s a lot of information out there about how awful narcissists are. A quick search will pull up any number of websites, Facebook pages and blogs by women (it’s nearly always women) promoting their book about how they got involved with a narcissist and it ruined their life. Some of them are even worth reading, too.  The best example is The Path Forward.

There are a lot of different names and labels used here – narcissist, malignant narcissist, psychopath, sociopath,  … and that’s just the (loosely) scientific attempts. You may also see lizard, alien, monster, narco-path and spath. What’s my point? Just that using belittling labels to reduce a group of human beings to a lesser status is supposed to be what the villains do, not the good guys. Just an observation, and one that’s been covered elsewhere so I won’t get any more detailed than that for now.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder is a damaged individual who started off close to normal, and somewhere during their development got stuck at the ‘selfish toddler’ stage. Some toddlers set fire to the cat, some break crockery, some pout in the corner and then get over it … and so there are degrees and flavours of narcissism. You might get a selfish, charming, irresponsible person who sleeps around and never buys their own drinks. Or you might get a scheming reptile who takes control of your entire life and breaks you down bit by bit until you’re unable to function – just for the fun of it. They have the same disorder, just different behaviours.

There is this though, and this is important. Whatever type you have encountered, whatever they have done to your life, you allowed it to happen. Somehow, under their influence, you ceded control because it felt so good to be safe and loved.

Never mind your disapproving looks. I can see the rows of cat’s-bum mouths out there, I can hear you telling me I’m pushing the blame back on the victims and excusing the abusers.  You can disagree if you like, but anyone who has been through this and is even halfway to healing will know it is the truth. The abuser was wrong, morally devoid and even evil, yes, but what was it in you that decided to ignore your better judgement and give somebody so much power over you? Some little gap, some void that had never been uncovered before, never mind filled, because you didn’t even know it was there. In fact it wasn’t there before, because it’s not real. It’s a fiction created by the narcissist – they convince you the void exists, and then they fill it.  When they vanish, the void is all that’s left.

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6 Responses to Enough about him

  1. My Sociopath says:

    what you say is “rough” but it is RIGHT ON. You said things that I have been grappling to put into words like: “got stuck at the ‘selfish toddler’ stage.” This is My Sociopath but I couldn’t find the words. You said things about me that I have been struggling to find the words for: “you allowed it to happen. Somehow, under their influence, you ceded control because it felt so good to be safe and loved” and “what was it in you that decided to ignore your better judgement and give somebody so much power over you?” A lot of women will find this heard to hear, but this must be addressed in order to heal (just as you’ve said). I just started reading your works and I think that you’ve hit a lot of touchy points with this one, but reality is sometimes hard to face for a lot of people. It’s easier to live in denial. Good writing and insights, I will read more in the near future.

    • It is hard to hear, but it has to be said. Over at The Path Forward this is the comment I see the moderators giving to new contributors. They say ‘Don’t focus on him. Yes, he’s a shit. We know. Now, what are you going to do differently next time so you don’t get suckered again?’

      • My Sociopath says:

        Yes! I don’t know if it’s because I had the “Best Sociopath” in the world (you know, most “comprehensive sociopath” is what I mean: ), that I don’t worry about myself getting “suckered” again. He STRUCK me on ALL levels that I have antennas coming out of my nose!

  2. Paula says:

    Women are co-dependent to a high degree. We think we can fix these farts; we can’t. A narcissist cannot be fixed. No one is worth fixing of we lose our identities in the process. More women (and men) need to get off the “I’m perfect and can conquer anything” train and learn to love our own imperfections first. If we do that then when we encounter these narcissistic monsters we will immediately realize that their imperfection aren’t lovable or worth fixing. We beat the beast just by having a solid foundation of self-love, self-respect, and self-actualization. Monsters can smell that a mile and it scares the shit out of them. :)

    • Paula, you’re absolutely right. Anyone stuck in a relationship like this MUST ask what they think they have to prove, and who they think they’re proving it to. We all try to make things right for everybody else. Sometimes we need to reclaim our concern for US.

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